Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
