I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
