while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
