I think my vagina is haunted
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
