I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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