fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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