I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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