What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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