I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
