I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
