I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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