If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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