Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
