I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
