I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
