Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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