Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
