When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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