I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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