I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
