Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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