Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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