meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
