I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I would ride that face into the sunset
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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