I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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