i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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