dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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