I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
