Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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