Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
