Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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