she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Green mimosas i think yes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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