Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
