too bad you live with your parents still
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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