It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
