Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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