this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
