Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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