Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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