dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
