She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm sobbing to NWA
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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