God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
