Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
