morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
