Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
