Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
