I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think my vagina is haunted
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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