last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
