i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
