i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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