I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
