if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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