Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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