k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
