I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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