the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
