Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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