Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize