thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
