I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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