My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize